Because this week has been the Jewish festival of Passover, I've had a lot less work on since a lot of my clients are, well, Jewish. To be clear: this is my least favourite of the Jewish holidays. The others involve cheesecake, honey cake; any cake that's leftover gets given to Rhi. Passover is about Matzah. Nuff said.

Tuesday I had the whole evening free to do as I please. Doing as I please often finds me in trouble. So I decided to go to Waitrose and stock up on stuff that I'll never cook and those nice little plug in fragrance thingies. I almost forgot I needed toilet paper until Waitrose thankfully advertised their loo roll 'enriched with extracts of cashmere'. Because we all need that. Due to the holidays, I also got to pretend I have a Range Rover and park across two parking spaces. 

Because I'd been so sensible all evening (45 minutes RWT - real world time), I decided to reward myself with a glass of wine (five) in my local bar. I walk home elegantly (crawl) at 9pm and once indoors, realise my phone charger is in my car. I can't drunk text all my ex boyfriends without at least 50% battery, so grab my car key and run outside. Maxwell closed the door behind me (that's my dachshund. If he were a human male I would have dumped him a long time ago). 

So it's late, I only have my car key and my dog is howling inside at his ill thought out actions.

My new neighbours are lovely and hopefully, not judgey wudgey. I asked them if I could climb over their fence, onto my upstairs neighbours balcony and down onto my terrace. They said yes, in part because that was their entertainment for the evening sorted. 20 minutes of Ninja Rhi later, I've accomplished my stunt mission only to find out my bedroom window is actually closed. And Max is inside arranging my shoes on the bed and doing mini-wees on each one to display his annoyance that I am outside and he is not. I make the return death climb and decide the best thing to do is to go to the pub. I hijack the bartenders phone and make a desperate Facebook plea for help. Job done. Reinforcements will come and I can be drunk in my bed. Ta Facebook. 

Butter wouldn't melt

Butter wouldn't melt

It's important we all know how to burgle our own flat safely. In my opinion, upper back strength is the key here. Using the triceps to pull your body weight upwards (and stop gravity dragging the skin downwards ladies) and the interscapular muscles (between the shoulder blades innit) to stabilise the shoulders as we move.  

The latter we can achieve by lying face down on the floor with the arms by the sides, palms upturned. Draw your shoulder blades down and back and arms elevate alongside the back of the body. Float the head and chest off the floor pressing the arms a little higher and without pivoting the shoulder joint forwards. Hold, then lower. 

Triceps can be strengthened with scapular stabilisation combined, in the form of tricep press ups. When you form a press up position, ensure the shoulders are directly over the wrists, the knees are locked, the butt muscles are squeezing and the shoulder blades are drawing towards each other slightly to offload the pectoral muscles. As you lower into your press up, draw the elbows backwards to make a 'shelf' for your rib cage. Your nose should move forwards and close to the floor. Ladies, and you boys who are less buff, may find this version tough, in which case we lower the knees down. If you choose this option however, you must really lower your nose FORWARDS as you descend into the press up. Exhale to push up out of the press up and feel your ribs drawing in and navel on your spine. Repeat as many times as you can manage. I expect it won't be much.  

Now you are strong enough to ninja your way up any wall of your choosing.  

If you need to break into your own house and can't, contact me here.

Now my ninja days are done, my spare house key now resides in my local pub. It was a natural choice that made sense in the end.