I spend my whole life fixing other people. I can't walk down the street without judging the girl in front of me for her wider-than-I-would-like derrière (underactive gluts right there), pronated feet (put some heels on that and it looks like trotters) and inverted knees (her thighs will look 90 when she's 40). I want to put you all back together like a jigsaw and I will preach to you about your posture at work, your gait when you walk and your diet (a bit) if I think you're fat. But I will do all of this while sitting on my behind, eating a McNuggets share box all to myself and clutching a gin and tonic. I know. I'm a jackass.

Imagine how surprised my smug self was when I woke up this week unable to move my head freely - lateral movement was almost impossible and I felt like Frankenstein. I hadn't done any crazy cool pilates moves at work the day before; nor any sexy hot dance moves in a club the night before; or, indeed, any bedroom gymnastics (sadly) in the night. I had just seized up.

My osteopath snapped a facet joint back In that had worked it's way out of place. We discussed how and why this could have happened. I have good mobility, healthy alignment. After a moment of listening to me yack on, he identifies my problem. I've been flicking my hair too much. Yes ladies and gentlemen. I have flirted so hard in the last week or so, I've put my own neck out of joint. Score. 

image.jpg

Primarily, driving was an issue. According to the osteopath, I should "Make like all other women when you drive today. Just don't look before you pull out." (This man is married. I'm not sure how). I had to restrict my head movement for 24hrs and dose up on the anti inflammatories (that's ibuprofen to all of you, ibuprofen and wine to me). I managed to finish the day at work, but it was a struggle. I also couldn't face driving 'like a woman' any longer, so I pulled the damsel in distress card on a poor unsuspecting male and made him come to JW3 (Finchley Road) and drive my car and me home (West Hampstead). He lives in South London. The problem with having man-servants is that at some point, they want something meaningful in return for being an unpaid taxi service. In this case, he wanted to discuss "our relationship." Whilst I was sky high on pain relief. Flat on my back, and, I'm almost certain - slurring my words - I told him that this couldn't possibly go anywhere. He couldn't understand the pain I was in right now and that it best he leave. Did I want to discuss this another time, he suggested? Oh lord no. It will be so much more painful for both of us. Best you just leave now. After you've made me some tea and fed the dog.

Who said I was drama? 

Anyway, I digress. The reason I'm in this state is because I have neglected my thoracic spine mobility. There are 12 thoracic vertebrae, and 12 ribs; therefore it's quite a solid, immobile structure. The cervical spine on the other hand, has much smaller vertebrae and larger discs, making for a greater range of movement, but exposing it to more trauma. When the thoracic stiffens, the neck becomes vulnerable and takes the strain. Like yours truly.

Thoracic rotation: 

On your hands and knees: thread you R hand under the L arm. Bend the L elbow and twist the upper back until your R shoulder hits the floor, imagining your top shoulder flipping on top of the bottom one. Hold, and return to centre. Repeat 5 times and change sides. 

Thoracic Extension: 

Sit with your legs crossed and raise your arms straight above your head. Reach your arms behind you without flaring your rib cage forwards. Keep the elbows straight and the arms parallel to each other. Repeat 10 times, feeling the interscapular area activate.

Side Bends: 

Sit cross legged. Raise the R arm and bend the body over to the L, keeping the R arm close to the head. Repeat L. 

If you've swung your hair too much this week and now can't turn your head, you can contact me here

If you need an unpaid man-servant service that will travel across the river for free, you need to start flicking your hair. 

I'm still in pain, but as an apology to MS (man servant), I'm letting him take me out for dinner on Friday.