This week, I am reminded why I go it alone in business instead of opting to work for a corporate gym; you know, the ones that look like they've been styled by Lidl, with employees that are worse than estate agents. In life, the lower echelons of the species go in this order (most awful last):
1) estate agents, 2) gym membership proles and 3) traffic wardens. At least traffic wardens are given a uniform so we can safely identify them in public and they are saved from their own poor taste in cheap polyester suits. They even have a little hat so they don't need a generic haircut, like estate agents do (looks like they've been stuck in a wind tunnel).
On the odd occasion I'm asked to teach a masterclass in a gym, for example, I always say yes, and immediately regret it. There will be 74 members show up to the sweaty studio, some who are obese, some with only the one leg, some over the age of 90, and one who thought it might be nice for little Araminta to join in because she's 7 now and needs to learn how to stand better if she's going to marry well. Not to mention the body builder who looks like Tom Hardy on top, but with legs that have less meat on than the last chicken wings I ate. To him, his legs are merely a vehicle to transport his enormous torso from one weights area of the gym to the next.
Where do I begin? Well, I begin where any decent instructor should start and ask everyone if they have any injuries, aches, pains or pregnancies I should know of. Cue the 34 hands raised, each patiently waiting their turn to tell me their life story and where that dark spot on their leg came from. Now I've wasted the first 17 minutes of our class (which is only 45 minutes in total - gyms can't do one hour slots. Too much possibility that people may actually benefit from the class. In 45 minutes the members are more likely to remain a little bit fat all the time and continuously rely on their overpriced gym membership to get out of bed every morning).
Once the class begins, there's always SmartAss who is doing their own little workout in the corner there, for no reason other than, well, they can. We're doing sit ups? No worries, SmartAss is face down on the floor, arms flapping wildly, back arched and face gurning... And when asked politely why - the snippy response comes "My Physio told me to do this. I know what I'm doing." Oh.... Physio? You didn't mention at the beginning.... "Yeah I had spinal surgery, like, last week. Like I said, I know what I'm doing though." As I choke on my latte with three sugars. Jesus.
Then there's NarkyCow. She's in pretty good shape, pushes herself hard during the class. I go to gently encourage her pelvis into a better alignment to make the exercise more efficient and she snaps "Get off! I'm pregnant!" Up the duff??? Are you kidding? (Inside voice). "Oh! Congratulations. And how far along are we?" (Outside voice). Second. Effing. Trimester. I'm sorry love, contorting yourself around like a pretzel was totally fine until now, but my fingers on your stomach were the potential miscarriage disaster waiting to happen? Oi oi oi.
Lastly, a new breed of gym problem, is the budget gym. They have a secret little code to get in, to avoid paying any actual staff to man the gym. 8am this morning, I'm waiting to get OUT of the gym. Yep. OUT. I don't have a pin. There's no staff here. Parking restrictions start at 8am. It's 8.04.
Yes. You guessed it. I got a parking ticket. Because I was trapped in budget hell.
The moral of all of this? Safety first people. Because I also happen to be dating Captain Sensible this week, I'm slowly being introduced to risk aversion. This doesn't come naturally to me. However, what does come naturally to me, is looking after my clients individual needs and rebuilding their bodies bit by bit, with care, knowledge and skill. So please, stop going to cheap nasty gyms. Come to my classes instead where you will be nurtured, strengthened and most likely insulted/made fun of for free.
Currently BalletFit is running the following @JW3:
Tuesday 1815-1915 BalletFit, 1930-2030 Pilates
Wednesday 0945-1045 Pilates and walking on the Heath
Thursday 1930-2030 Pilates
All classes have a clinical emphasis.
If you are finished with your peasanty budget workouts, contact me here.
Please also spread the word if you feel my non-budget classes are worth the extra dough.