Oh look - another Black Friday sale email. Except this one is selling you sh*t you actually need. To get off your ass and look less like a troll and more like a swan. Or something like that. 

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I've had some crap presents in my time. Someone once bought me two goats for an underprivileged family in Africa. GOATS? Are you kidding me? Was Selfridges closed? And can I name them? Do I get bi-annual updates with pictures of how they're growing up and where they live? I imagine two extra mouths to feed on top of their poverty problems is not ideal. But hey ho. Somewhere in the world I own a couple of goats. I wish I'd got a BalletFit voucher instead.

Then there was the time the guy I was seeing bought me a Porsche for my 30th. He turned up at my door with the keys. I sent him away. It was a Boxster. Nuff said. Don't insult me with mediocre transport. I wish I'd got a BalletFit voucher instead.

So you get the drift. Buy someone a BalletFit voucher this holidays. It's fifty quid, I do all the hard work and you get to know you've sent a cracking gift. 

If you're thinking of buying cattle for someone this season, then contact me here to up the gift ante.