I blame Barbie. It’s 2018 and I’ve spent the last decade overcoming obstacles that apparently are unique to women. After 34 years on this earth I’ve decided Barbie has a lot to answer for this.


The average annual income for a female in the UK is £25,336. The price of a Ferrari 488 spyder (used, low mileage), is approximately £260,000. Anyone, even a woman, looking to finance said car, can calculate that these two figures are unworkable. But Barbie’s daily driver was a Ferrari (spyder, natch; a coupé would have been cheaper and covered her pretty face and impossibly perky tits). No 1.2 litre Vauxhall Corsa starter car for Barbie. Mattel never disclosed her annual car insurance premium. Probably because Ken paid for it.


Barbie had many incarnations: Caribbean Beach Barbie; Superyacht Barbie; Pedigree Pony Barbie. There was never a Barbie MBChB (that’s Dr Barbie to the underachievers out there). We can assume Babs never even went to uni given the absence of weight gain and tattoos of regret. 

Barbie owned her own property - Barbie Beach House of course. The only way we can get on the property ladder, is to get an actual ladder and use it to climb into someone else’s house.

Barbie never got sick or upset or accidentally pregnant. We know this because her hair was always immaculately blow dried and she had time to accessorise. Nor did she go home to take a symphony of antidepressants each day. 

Barbie’s optional add on accessories didn’t include a rape alarm or CS spray, or a spare pair of flat shoes to wear on the way home from a party in case she needed to run from a potential sex pest.


Now I’m not saying boys weren’t exposed to unrealistic ideals too: Superman, Batman, Power Rangers.... even terrifying shoe-wearing turtles armed with swords. But they were all clearly fictional. Boys weren’t misguided about life as an adult male, because Mattel didn’t create a male doll called Bobbie who lived in a penthouse in NYC and spent his time playing golf and avoiding marriage.

There’s not much we can do about the fact Mattel f**ked women globally with these ludicrous unattainable Barbie ideals. Except look at what IS attainable and ideal. Something like, I dunno, working out regularly with BalletFit to get super kick-ass strong, so the next time a sex predator comes at you, you can kick them square in the nuts and get them on the offenders register for life. Or something like that.

The point is, when you’re strong, you’re better. Sh*t happens to everyone. But when you’re physically strong, you are mentally stronger too. Plus, if you look hot, the price of the Fezza might just come down if you don’t look like a TurboPig.

Now THAT’S worth investing time in.

If you don’t look like Barbie and need to, contact me here.