Before I explain, how much do you know already you fat, judgemental b**tard?
I am writing to request a formal explanation as to why I didn’t get a pony this year. This is the 30th year I’ve been patiently waiting for my equine gift to arrive, and, frankly, my patience is wearing thin.
I would like to know what scale/formula you are using to assess how good a Good Girl is. I will acknowledge that for the previous 29 years, my annual behaviour chart hasn’t displayed sufficient Good Girl results to justify a pony. But in 2018 I worked my arse off, and gave up two of my favourite hobbies - playing with my MenToys AND buying fast cars.
Since Jan 1st I didn’t play with a single (or married) man until the beginning of December. Admittedly, I decided to treat myself to an early me-to-me Christmas gift of a boy, after being SO good all year long. I chose REG (Real Estate Guy). Turns out he was an undersized f*ckboy like the rest of them. So far this delayed gratification business isn’t proving at all worthwhile.
I didn’t buy a single sports car until the end of November. That’s ELEVEN WHOLE MONTHS between SexWagon purchases. How did you credit me on the Good Girl Scale for that?
You know what I got sent in lieu of my pony? A f*cking stuffed unicorn the size of my sausage dog, that scares the living daylights out of me should I wake up in the night and find its unilateral demonic eyeball staring at me whilst I’m sleeping. If I wanted overnight surveillance I would have got back together with my ex, CityBoy.
So, Santa, I will need you to revert back before Jan 1st (or maybe the 2nd - I can’t amend my bad behaviour from NYE the day after with a hangover).
Just to give you an idea of how good a Good Girl I plan to be next year, BalletFit promises to:
Employ a third person (the lovely Ketan Mistry) from the beginning of 2019 extending our services to include at-home clinical massage;
Continue to offer a 7 day a week bespoke service including clinical pilates, osteopathy, personal training, guided yoga and meditation;
Offer year round support to our clients even over Skype whilst they are away;
Reward our clients generously with free sessions if they recommend us to a friend;
And, of course, myself and my team will continue to bring all kinds of fun and joy into our clients homes, 7am-10pm, Mon-Sun.
Our prices will increase slightly (in case I have to pay for my own pony) from Jan 2nd:
Single session - £75
20 sessions: £1250
10 sessions no longer available because let’s face it, you’re not going to look smoking hot after ten hours.
Anyone who wants to bank another block at their current rate before end of Dec please feel free. Contact me here if you wish to do so.
Lots of Love,