I am writing to you after my third consecutive win over the MET police, this time appearing in the historic (communist) building that is Harrow Crown Court. It is a spectacular sh**hole to say the least, even on a beautiful day like today, when the sun is shining, and I am winning at the police game. Unless you like council estates, stay outside of a two mile radius of Harrow. If you want your car nicked, there is free parking at the back of the court building itself; although do be sure to get there early as there is a veritable feast of sh*twagons waiting to be stolen from about 0900hrs onwards.


Anyhow, all this winning at Game Of Police is costing me the same as Spain's national debt. £2k got me legal counsel today who was so far up the duff that when asked "Why are you requesting the Court remove these 6 penalty points from Miss Keys's licence?" She may as well have screamed "Because she wants you to and if you don't, I'll start my maternity leave now and give birth in this court room a***hole." So they did exactly as pregnant woman asked (demanded).

Now all my money is gone on solicitors fees, I'll be spending my bank holiday in Verbena's adult paddling pool, waiting for some more cash to roll in to fund the rest of 2018's police activity and drinking offences.



The Pool

The Pool


On the plus side, you lot get to benefit. I am offering blocks of 20 bespoke lessons for 900 quid instead of the usual £1200 as a bank holiday present to those I like the most (people with money). There are only 10 of these gold ticket presents up for grabs, and only for the duration of the bank hol (that's til Monday to you underachievers out there). So email me back ASAP to stockpile your sessions so you don't look like a monster in your bikini.


If it's before Monday 7th May and you have £900, click here. If neither applies to you you can go away now.


Happy bank holiday b***ches.