My name is Rhiann, and I am a traitor.
This week, I bet against England in the World Cup. Of course, after over 50 years of suffering mediocre English footballers with a penchant for doner kebabs and rape; they won. And just when I thought I had enough evidence for a profitable wager (slightly overweight, substandard stamina, exponential decrease in dynamic performance in second half, Oscar-worthy toddler tantrums when tackled).
Footballers are altogether unlikeable. Neymar is one of the best players on the planet; yet someone sent me a video the other day of him rolling on the pitch, and then all the way down the M6 into Wales, before rolling into outer space itself. Ronaldo has basted himself in so much tanning oil I suspect if you went to tackle him you’d just slide right down his lubricated leg.
I flew all the way to Miami last week to avoid the World Cup Horror Show and was horrified to see even Americans, given their lives as they know it are over thanks to Trump, found joy in watching some sh*t football. Maybe because the only thing worse than their own existence right now is Croatia’s World Cup outfit. Eventually I found an Argentinian international rugby player to play with, reminding me that real men aren’t dressage ponies.
The worst bit about the World Cup is it eclipses Wimbledon. Nobody turns up at Wimbledon with their face painted with crayons, wearing a novelty hat with flaps on. Nobody watches a centre court match on TV in the pub and thinks the perfect accoûtrements would be 3 pints of Carlsberg quickly followed by Jäger chasers. On a Wednesday.
So, this week, I am celebrating the elegance of Wimbledon, the kind of tasteful event that is enjoyed by discerning clientele like my own (that’s you lot), who expect bespoke service and quality beverages. Here comes the winning bit. And you don’t even need to gamble.
I am introducing annual health packages. This is a gold standard UNLIMITED SESSIONS PACKAGE; with access to clinical pilates, personal training, osteopathy, yoga, guided meditation, nutrition advice and cardiac rehab. The annual subscription runs for 364 days after date of purchase and costs £6995. BUT - the first annual subscription purchase comes with this exclusive Wimbledon Package FOR FREE:
Day six at Wimbledon, witnessing the action on Centre Court, Saturday 7th July 2018.
Your seats will be well located, ensuring a fantastic vantage point to enjoy the match and soak up the atmosphere. Full hospitality within the LTA Presidents Suite is included, with access to the open bar and catering. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to see one of the past Wimbledon players, who regularly grace the Suite. The package also includes private executive transfers to and from Wimbledon, within the M25 radius.
Wimbledon, Saturday 7th July 2018: You ticket allocation is: Gangway 307, Row S, Seats 188 & 189 and you have a private table for 2 reserved in the LTA Presidents Suite.
- Gates Open: 10:30
- Presidents Suite Hospitality located at Court One Opens: 11:00
- Outer Court Play Starts: 12:00
- Lunch with the Presidents Suite Served from: 11:30 until 14:00
- Centre Court Play Starts: 13:00
- Presidents Suite Closes: 30 Minutes after end of play or 21:00, whichever is sooner
- Photo ID will be required by the main ticket holder
- Dress code is smart casual. Jeans are not permitted, however tailored shorts with suitable shoes and a tailored shirt are acceptable.
You know what to do. Email email@example.com by Friday 6th June to secure your chances of avoiding the World Cup this weekend, and enjoying Wimbledon instead.