St Valentine was imprisoned, beheaded and buried on Feb 14, 269 AD. And I can see why. Rome was going about it’s daily life, all happy and single and wearing togas; and along comes this ass clown Valentine, encouraging them all to get married. Making the rest of humanity unhappy (and poorer) ever since. Thanks, pr*ck. You can still find his skull in Rome, apparently. Presumably as a relic reminder of what happens to men who believe in marriage.

Why am I so bitter about marriage? Because I’ve dated two divorcees in the last year. I’ve experienced marriage at it’s worst. Here’s a list of reasons not to get married. Or divorced:


You are poorer

Your children hate you

You are poorer

You are poorer

You are poorer

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And there you have it. And if your ex and your kids can’t love you any more, how can you love yourself? Oh, you can’t, because you ran out of money to spend on bespoke personal training from BalletFit and her team, so now you are single, poor, AND fat. And that tattoo you got on your arse with your ex when you were 20 and believed love was forever?? It’s SAGGING with the rest of your ass, you ageing moron.


So now’s the time to do something about it. I can’t rescue your failing marriage, but I can make you BOTH look hotter (therefore more acceptable) to each other. Assuming you haven’t pissed all the money away on a divorce lawyer called Simon that is.


Contact me here if anything is worth rescuing and you have cash.


Oh, and Valentine? They made him the patron saint of epilepsy in the end.