This week, I turned 30 something. No one is sure of the actual number, because whatever comes out of my mouth will almost certainly be a lie when it comes to my age.
In a world where:
Young+Hot = money+(success x2)
You can kiss my pixie valve if you think I’m going to admit my actual age and lose my fan base to a number.
Lying about age isn’t easy. Well, the lying bit is. Getting people to believe you is not. However, BalletFit has been doing this since she turned 30 (that’s the age at which men don’t want casual sex with you in case you’re an infant manufacturing plant disguised as a shag); and has found implementing the following controls help the age fictionalisation process beautifully:
- Stretching. No woman who could wrap her leg around her head looked old. Ever. Also, stretching increases collagen production, hence, magical youthful skin ensues.
- Muscle tone. Keeping your tush round and plump; avoiding your arse plummeting down to the back of your knees, *absolutely* takes years off.
- Pain free. Nothing screams age like involuntary old person grunting noises when you get out of the racing seats of a Porsche GT3 RS 4 litre. Or moaning about your sciatica *yet again.*
Luckily for you, BalletFit can solve ALL OF THE ABOVE. And shave years off.
BalletFit’s elite team of clinical exercise and massage specialists, combined with our unique connection with MariPharm, the worlds largest distributor of the purest CBD oil available, gives YOU access to a flexible, strong, pain free body. All without even leaving your prime postcode pile.
Anyone who renews their package (or signs up for a package) in the month of April will be given TWO COMPLIMENTARY TICKETS to hear Prof Dedi Meiri of Technion university speak about his groundbreaking cannabinoid research for pain relief.
Contact me here if you need help lying about your age. BalletFit cannot help you fictionalise any other area of your shitty life.